Mixed vs BH Indies

Before the game, we were given true definitions of dedication when our composed young man in Gibbo missed an 18th birthday party tonight to play for us. And I had to deal with the horrors of the car ride up. Ryan was not lying last week, sometimes songs should be left unsung.

It was Henry’s first captaincy for the mixed team in the absence of big C, and he was met with a tricky challenge early, as we were playing in white. I’m not sure how clear it needs to be for everyone but you need to bring both colours no matter what. General G stepped in and lent the silly soul who ignored the weekly command his white shirt which he was wearing - and then put on the Harpenden shirt which he had stowed away in his bag? God knows why he wasn’t wearing it in the first place but it all worked out in the end, but now Evie was wearing an incredibly oversized shirt, and was obviously styling it out.

Let play ball. The first quarter was underway, and instantly Harpenden attacked. Lily drove straight into the D, and pulled it back for George who missed a sitter. Over on the bench, me and Chaz were ecstatic about this, however in our celebrations, George actually went and stuck it in the back of the goal. So good for the team, but seriously general G just dial it down a bit mate. This goal was quite something to be fair, cheeky skills and a tidy finish. 

Luckily, Charlie didn’t see it, so produced some majestic wisdom: “if a tree falls when no one is around, does it really make a sound?” And I agree. 1-0 Harpenden, no goal for George! 

Play continued, and forth came the opposition. We were in trouble, as their version of an Oscar was on the attack. Into the D and a shot on goal, with some serious pace. Panda was alert as ever, and made a great save, that was some proper goalkeeping. 

For the most of this first quarter, Harpenden were on top, Lily leading the charge up top, making brilliant runs (as per usual I couldn’t find her with my passing) and she had a great shot on goal, inching just wide of the post - some may say it was outside the D, but Vijay would have ‘missed’ it anyway I’m sure.

So we were leading at the first break. We had some wise words of wisdom from who I believe some called Hennerz (Lilly of course knows him as bestie) - but i will refer to him as Gaffer. Some, off to the side of the huddle, got distracted and said something very mean to Charlie. I can’t remember exactly what she said, but I made a vow there and then to ensure that my boy was fully backed in this match report.

Lucky for those who are eagerly anticipating the serving of justice, literally nothing interesting happened in the second quarter. Like I can genuinely remember nothing. However, as most players are so consistent, I can fill in the blanks quickly. Gibbo was his usual composed self, Jason was getting stuck in like a sniffer dog at pablo Escabar’s house, and Anish was hitting some ever hopeful miracle balls (some did work to be fair). 

But half time is what mattered most. We’re coming off the pitch, and there is worried, hushed chatter between Evie and Lilly. Over she comes, and exclaims to me in fear that she was shaking like a leaf. I thought this was just the joy of not having to play in defence this week, but no - she goes over to the bench and is threatening to pass out? I mean how embarrassing, could you imagine feeling sick at half time in a hockey match? On everybody’s soul but mine that could not be me. There is speculation that it is because Lilly was too busy to eat anything today, so Evie comes to the rescue with some chocolate of some sort, but looking back, I think it may have been the two energy drinks running riot in her arteries, causing her to go delirious from the caffeine intake. 

Finally, to add insult to injury, after last weeks failure to add something to the team talk, Lilly stayed quiet, so I chipped in, more or less repeating what she had said exactly the week before. I, unlike her, was met by thunderous applause. Clearly there’s levels to this game. And that is justice served, always got you Charlie.

There’s a lot to unpack from the third quarter, so let’s dive into it. Off the bat, their really good player, who we’ve established is annoyingly also called Oscar, has sent us an aerial off push back. Not in the spirit of the game. Little did he know little K was there to bring it down like a leaf. I compare it to the soft touch of a blind man reading braille. 

Charlie found Kelsey, who as ever dealt with that ball perfectly, sending it down the line to ease any pressure coming our way. However we couldn’t hold them off forever. A short corner came (George wasn’t happy about this, and was giving some very stern words of advice to me and Charlie about defending when reverse hits aren’t allowed, telling us to steer clear of diving in like Anish just did, and we were so inspired, it was put straight in the notes for the match report) and then opposition scored.

Later in the quarter, Evie was covering line, after being told by every single person on the bench to cover there, then George, then Kelsey, then Lilly. Somehow, she managed to cover that line and stopped the ball going past her, which obviously Lilly tried to take credit for, but us on the bench weren’t having none of it. That was all us.

Following from this, Anish was brought off, he was perfectly fine, just time for a break. Well he was fine until he twisted his ankle on thin air. After the game he was blaming his socks? wtf are you on about broski?

Did anything else happen in the third quarter? Well ladies and gentlemen, star boy Jonny Turner only went and chucked a peach of an aerial. That’s two games in a row for those who are counting - which I am. But this one was particularly special, finding General G just outside the opposition’s D, who produced some great skill (grow up) to beat many defenders (boring 🥱) before sliding a reverse push across the face of goal, straight to Erin to power it home! This wasn’t an easy finish either, as that keeper was charging towards her, so she did incredibly well to keep her composure and guide it in.

Nothing else really happened that quarter, besides from a cheeky OT run, but no one cares about that - we all want action!

So into the fourth quarter, with some more words of advice from Henry, and Lilly not verging on the edge of death anymore, we were ready to go. Early on we were put up against it, panda producing some fine saves, however he could do nothing when the ball was wizzed across our D and slapped in by BlueHert’s, meaning it was 2-2 with 10 minutes to go.

This couldn’t go unanswered, not when general G is on the pitch. Straight away were up in that 25, thanks to some Evie magic, once again pulling out some 3D tekkers to bamboozle the defence. She found George who wriggled through and drilled it in. Genuinely getting fed up of writing his name at this point. He’s got a plethora of goals and he’s not sharing with the team. 

Now it was time for defence. I had brought George off because I was sick and tired of him being selfish, so instead he, Gibbo and Jason all provided really good advice for the team - and mainly me - which I tried my hardest to listen to, but genuinely couldn’t hear. You know what they say, if a tree falls…

To help clear the lines, Anish tried his best JT impression, spooning an aerial up for Luton airport control centre to keep an eye on. Henry brought this down effectively, passing it nicely to Kelsey, who played a great pass, mid air, one touch over the head of her marker. I thought it was dangerous, but the umpire clearly thought it was class, letting play continue.

Back up and attacking now, Jonny and I 2 on 2, however he couldn’t make the pass square to me, afterwards claiming that he thought I was George (we are of a similar build) which I can assume was why he held onto it, as like me he wanted someone else to have some fun. But it meant that Harpenden had won their first short of the game! That meant it was time for one of Steph’s bullet injections. Once again some chicken wrap nonsense was uttered, but no one listened (shock) and Kelsey fired a missile towards goal, unfortunately it was just saved. This was cleared only as far as Lilly who produced a cheeky reverse slap, which just missed the goal. Obviously no comment from me here.

And alas, the game finished. We all walked off triumphant, that was until Lilly forgot the med kit at the dugouts, so we had to go all the way back and get it just for that and no other reason, as I had everything accounted for.

After the game, Gibbo was wearing his new mixed shirt, which attracted the attention of the largest hornet ever. We nearly lost a brother tonight, if it wasn’t for Kelsey’s heroics, murdering that prick instantly. Don’t touch Gibbo or else. We were also appalled to learn Lilly had been wearing a hair mask for four whole days. What. The. Fuck. Arrest her now. Evie was busying using other people’s phones to communicate after shattering hers a couple night ago, and we began our social media dynasty, with a lovely photo of the sunset and the team going up on the gram.

We also discovered that Charlie is the slowest driver ever, after an account from Jonny about passing him on the way up, ‘leaving him for dust’ and I could’ve sworn Anish said something about ripping out earrings from Erin’s ears. She does wear some questionable jewellery whilst playing, however she also scored so who can judge her? Definitely not George who was being anti social, watching something on his phone, only looking up at the ad breaks.

Some rather malicious comments were made about Coley after FT said on the chat “Coley is the glue” to which Henry said “By glue does he mean the horse that should be put down” and Jonny replied “I think he means glue because he can’t move on the pitch.” I for one love our real co captain, especially after he put his foot down about the hairstyle scenario. Stop causing him problems, you know who you are. Finally, I was framed for multiple different charges, and had to prove my innocence numerous times, certain social media issues, a trip to Southgate and forgetting the ball bag? Couldn’t have been me. 

So that concluded the night. Quick thanks to Kelsey for getting us home, after Lilly’s mum finally stopped allowing Lilly to leave her sitting in the car after games, waiting for her to finish her drink, and to Vijay for being our brilliant umpire again. Tune in next week for Anish v Gravity: round 2, and what will sadly be my last match report of mixed summer hockey…