Mixed vs BH Allsorts Moose

Before we dive into the thrills of tonight’s hot yet, as ever, entertaining match, I’d like to make it known that you are now reading the reports of a published journo in a real newspaper, so I will be starting my campaign for monetary compensation from the club as a result of these lengthy articles shortly. 

So what happened prior to the match? Well obviously I made it known to everyone in a discreet and humble way my latest accomplishments - to those who don’t know, go to the daily star and have a look at the article on spurs and Mohammed Kudus. In addition to this, without dropping names we were recounting fables from the weekend’s antics, where one member of the team created a sequel to the Thunderbirds, crowning themselves the chunderbird, and in the warm-up, I nearly killed Steph with a haphazard hit towards the team huddle after having to go and get a pass sent to me from point blank, and then nearly killed Ryan - crowned Rhino for future reference - with a dodgy aerial. 

Unlike Steph, he was almost grateful for the near miss, as contact with the ball and his head would’ve likely led to losing his recollection from the horrors of his car journey up, where the Disney tunes were blasting, and, I quote, he said “just leave me alone.” On everybody’s soul, Lilly’s singing can’t have been that bad can it? Cause I know it wasn’t top 3 women ever Amelie causing any issues.

So it’s our pushback, or as Matt Reese our emergency umpire calls it push-forward, and the first thing Coley has instructed me to do is to ‘push it to their centre back as it really winds their midfielder up.’ Really good advice for a friendly match, in the spirit of the game - keep up the good work gaffer. Now I for one would never go against my captain, so obviously I obliged with his command, so away we were. 

Immediately it was clear that this game was going to be intense, from the beating sun, all the way to the passionate cries from returning fan favourite Charlie Krishnanandan (I’m speaking for Kelsey who graciously turned up to give us a watch, however I’m sure she agrees) who was back from his holiday in Mallorca so was already acclimatised to the extreme heat levels. 

As per usual, Mobbsie was running the midfield. It is genuinely awe inspiring how she can be so good, composed and collected whilst simultaneously instructing teammates in a delightfully calm manner the best position for them to be in all scenarios. It is even more impressive when those team members, or just me tonight, have just completely ignored her yet she still manages to remain benevolent. 

She paired up with JT to create a balanced midfield, which is where our goal came from. A nice take from Mobbsie followed by a sensationally weighted pass to our glorious king Jonny Turner, who drilled a ball into the D, about a foot off the ground. This was where the big OT was waiting to cushion the ball down, turn and absolutely hanmer it into the top bins. 

Joking! I actually miscontrolled the ball, managing to get the slightest of touches to deflect it goalwards, and by a complete stroke of luck it went in the goal. I’d like to say thank you to Lily here, who says she didn’t get a touch when she absolutely could have lied and taken it, staying strong under the pressure of Evie, who for some reason was positive Lily got a touch on it. 

But not long after came the opposition, eyes set on levelling the game. They had this one kid who must have been 13 or 14, having some proper moments of magic, turning people inside out, before flicking a ball at electric pace into the D, bouncing up off a stick, heading straight towards Anish. And this is not a hyperbole when I say this may be the greatest touch ever seen from a Harpenden player. Anyone who remembers it, it was better than Ali Holmes’ first time volley in training at the start of the year. On his reverse Anish has stopped it dead, mid air and managed to relieve us of the pressure. Miraculous stuff.

The first quarter was halfway done, which meant it was time for the subs. I headed towards the sideline, where I was met by Coley? Surely he’s not sticking himself on at centre forward? But he was. It seemed that my last match report was too much for George, leaving me with a new mentor, who it’s safe to say doesn’t quite have the attacking ability of The General. Come back please I miss you.

On the bench, me and Amelie were cheering on the team, being our usual supportive selves. However I forgot one crucial thing. When something goes wrong I have to be deadly silent. We lost the ball due to some great defending, and I let slip a little ‘unlucky’. Bad idea, as instantly, Lilly’s head whips round, I catch a fleeting glimpse before I look away out of sheer fear for my life, Amelie describes it as a genuine death stare.

Second quarter now, and after a much needed rest, which involved Anish pouring water from his portable cooler down our backs, and chucking some ice cubes at us, Harpenden were ready to continue. Early on, Erin went on a great run, absolutely bombing it down the line to keep a ball in play, creating a great chance for us.

Amelie was now back on the pitch, and had clearly spoken to Kelsey about how to improve her defensive game, as on she came, and the reincarnation of a 13 year old Lionel Messi in hockey form was kept quiet. She was producing some fantastic picks to prevent any threat. Her co-full back, Lilly, was also having a great game being her usual defensive presence and offensive ability. Obviously I didn’t tell her this in the game as we know I’m not allowed to be positive. Or really just talk in general according to Evie. No wonder my match reports are so long, I’m not given a chance to say anything in the match.

We were all over them for the rest of the second quarter, however we obviously couldn’t go a game without Charlie ending up on the floor, so he did exactly that, producing a nice tackle, some lovely skill and then getting absolutely flattened by a man 3 times his size. On the topic of nice tackles, once put back in his position, Coley was having a great game, I honestly don’t think he conceded one foul. Whilst the defence was fighting for their lives, up at the top of the pitch, whilst waiting for a short, me and Lilly had pulled off a lovely double high five, made on the training ground, and put into action perfectly.

On this occasion, half time was eventful. We did have a Harpenden injury. It just wasn’t one of our players. That’s right everyone, Matt Reese picked up a nosebleed after blowing the whistle to hastily, clawing out the tissue lining the inside of his nostril. Graphic scenes, I know. Lilly also took the opportunity to show some of her knowledge she has gained from captaining the Southgate summer league team, providing some wisdom for the team. She was met with stone cold silence. Not one person even acknowledged her efforts initially, until one hero decided to give her a little clap. Some say it was the heat numbing our brains, others just didn’t care.

Did someone say quarter number three? Well let’s talk about it then. Early in the third quarter, I was fed through by JT, my hit having some genuine menace, provoking a fine save from the keeper, showing that we were knocking at the door. Not long after, Mobbsie won a clear foul, which Matt correctly blew, so we knew he hadn’t lost too much blood. Jonny took the ball early, catching them off guard, once again offering me a lovely ball. The touch has stopped it dead. The ball’s on my reverse and the keeper has closed down the angle. So I’ve decided to flick it, similar to the stories of a Matt Reese reverse aerial, it loops over the keeper, and hits the crossbar. Now some say this was an unlucky miss, but actually it was intentional, as I knew that Jonny had actually taken the free hit about 20 yards to the right of where the foul was committed, so thought it was best not to score out of respect.

Jonny took this personally, so decided it was time to turn it up a notch. He only went and threw an aerial. Genuinely. Not a silly one that feebly floats through the air a grand total of 2 metres, but one that soared like an eagle. Well done mr JT.

But the oppo then took this personal, and the match got a bit ugly. One of the players got rinsed by the big OT, so decided to hook my stick, preventing me from moving. Obviously I stood strong and gained copious amounts of aura though. But they also hit Steph again. Every single week without fail she takes a knock to the body. What’s amazing is it doesn’t stop her from producing those amazing short corner injections ever, or keeping her side of the pitch shut down. Obviously all of this was spurred on by the wind up merchant Charlie, which really was not helpful in the current climate.

Bob, our heroic keeper standing in for Panda, had made some incredible saves throughout this quarter, but unfortunately couldn’t keep them all out. He had a great game and could do nothing about the goal. The Rhino was also performing well in defence, however was instructed by Anish to keep two hands on the stick. FT, club president by day, coach by night, told him not to listen too much to Anish’s advice, especially not after the whole ‘AI can do your coursework’ conversation we had last week.

So it was 1-1 going into the final quarter, could Harpenden clinch it? Well it was clear we were going for it, with the amazing Evie having some incredible runs, showing strength and skill with a cheeky reverse flick over a defenders stick. Lily also was giving it her all, combining on multiple occasions with other Lilly in nice passages of play. Lily (one L) managed some delightful first time slaps, only for me to waste by not quite getting it under control multiple times. Don’t worry, I was reminded of this constantly post match.

As the match was drawing to a close, Harpenden were pushing for that winner, however I kept forgetting Mobbsie’s advice of staying on the P spot and running out to get the ball, hindering the passing lanes she had available. At one point I came up to collect the ball, starting juggling it and then realised I had no idea what I was doing, so offloaded it to the far superior player in Mobbsie.

But actually the match ended with pressure on us. If it wasn’t for Steph and Coley’s defensive acumen and amazing, picturesque tackles we could’ve easily let one slip at the end. And so it ended 1-1, where we all ran off the pitch to get some much needed water, and Anish dumped a bucket of ice on my head.

After the match, we walked off the pitch - with the ball bag this time, where Lilly was eating pure corn? Like singular individual kernels of corn. What the actual flip is even that? When we got up to the club house she then managed to spill my lemonade all over herself. Bear in mind that she specifically told the members of the team she was taking home that they weren’t staying for a drink, and was now wreaking havoc, and making poor Mrs Holford wait another 30 mins in the dark.

I then offered to save Rhino from the horror singing on the way back, little did I know that the lad would have worse navigational ability than the Batford crew. Now you’re all probably thinking this is highly unlikely, but Rhino couldn’t locate the main road in Harpenden. When asked where he lived, Ryan answered ‘near the oval’ (a place in Harpenden for those who don’t know) which Charlie interpreted as the cricket ground in London. He’s had a shocker there. Finally, on the way back, potentially the most stupid comment of the night goes to Rhino, who asked “where is the game next week?”

So that’s all, concise as ever. Quick thanks to Frase for running the subs, Matt Reese for stepping in last minute to umpire, and Kelsey for coming to watch. Onto next week where the social media directors are starting our Tik Tok campaign, anyone who dares to oppose Lilly will I’m sure face imminent danger so I suggest we all go along with whatever idea she comes up with.