Mixed vs BH Wrinkled and Reckless

15 balls, 2 hat tricks and a partridge in a pear tree

Buckle in if you struggle with long chunks of text, because this could take a while.

If we guide our attentions back to last weeks’s match report, you may wish to note the final paragraph, where the Batford crew happened to get lost as a result to Evie’s navigational ability. Fast forward to this week, where once again the squad is struggling in Batford. Now I for one don’t like to name and shame, but Evie has quite clearly stated that it was all Mrs Holford’s fault, and was the sole reason for the trio’s late arrival.

Once the team was finally assembled, the warmup was underway, as per usual everyone scattered and did their own thing, some of the members of the junior battalion were practicing aerials, whilst others recounted their story of actually hitting a ball on Tuesday in a game. One word: Buzzing. One of the juniors focusing on their aerial ability was Issy, who after perfecting the art of the press felt this was the next step in becoming one of the greatest to ever do it. Safe to say she still has some practicing to do. On the other hand, her hit is lethal, which I found out after she hit a bullet from point blank at knee height towards me, luckily I’ve got a left foot resembling a marshmallow, cushioning it down nicely.

Now let’s play hockey. Or not, as everyone else was lined up and raring to go, we were having some issues attaching a foot to big C who was heroically stepping up and putting the pads on as Panda remains abroad. Serious commandments to him as it allows us to all have a more enjoyable game. However next time maybe check if you’ve got chest pads and a working foot. 

Okay this time we’re actually starting, so under the sweltering 6:30 sun, we began. Instantly it became clear that there were some danger players for the defence to deal with. Anish and Gibbo were banging, dealing with the opposition’s forward (annoyingly called Rory too) adequately. Anish did say he chucked in the occasional kick to slow him down, just to find that the lad was relentless and would still mug the defensive partnership off. When the newly titled ‘Conductor’ FT subbed on, President by day, centre back by night/6:30 onwards depending on the slot we get for pushback, that defence was only strengthened, another outstanding cameo from the club’s main man.

Let’s talk left and right back. We all know who plays there, the one and only Amelie Murat, top 1 lady ever absolutely shut down that right hand side, when their tricky forwards tried to rinse her, she turned that tap off, moving like a rusty kitchen sink. Cracking performance from the goat. Left back was equal in ability, Lilly had her delightful moments of flourish, picking a loose pass, and then powering down the pitch to create trouble for the opposition. Apparently I’m not allowed to say well done though, frequently getting shouted at for being supportive. This was drastically different from the feedback last week, where I was told I need to be nicer to her in my match report? Obviously that’s on me, should’ve recognised that would be the case. Genuinely can’t win.

Time for the middle of the park. And as per usual, that shit was shut down Like a firewall with a vendetta, nothing got through, not even a handshake. Those who take (or have taken - big up Anish for finishing uni, finally escaping Swansea after 5 years. Murders get less of a sentence) computer science will love that one. Henry ran tirelessly, the heat seemed only to spur him on, is he part solar panel? And Jonny Turner got the best achievement of the night producing a hat trick of assists! I mean it can’t get any better than that. Besides from that him and Henry were everywhere tonight, shuttling back and forth like a crab on cocaine defending and attacking constantly. This combined symphonically (little bit of my A level music coming out there) with Mobbsie’s incredible talent to create the perfect midfield. I mean the way she carries the ball up the pitch with ease is just incredible, however the less said about your first touch of the game the better… taking a page out of Issy’s book on aerials on this occasion. 

Here come the forwards, Lily having another incredible game, inches away from scoring in successive games, only thwarted by BlueHert’s proud defence. Aside from her shooting, she made some great darting runs, having another all round banging performance. After attempted murder pregame, Issy had locked in, changed her ways and found peace where she loves to be, applying constant pressure to the opposition defence. She gets so low and doesn’t lose sight of that ball that over on the bench it was just constant praise (not from me though as I’m not allowed). And Evie was just immaculate once again. Virtually bullying her marker on that side of the pitch, which was seriously causing tensions to rise. She promises she doesn’t mean to knock people over, it just happens. On the bench she was also a great support, a cheeky ‘Go on Harpenden’ would often ring out to spur the team on. I for one couldn’t believe the gall she had to actually dare show her support. Shocking. 

Now I’m afraid I have some bad news for everyone. It’s with great displeasure and difficulty that I have to say general G/ George did happen to bag a hat trick. Of all the people it had to be him didn’t it? Many may get the impression that I dislike George from these match reports, and I’d just like to clarify this isn’t true, however I will confess at one point I did accidentally cheer when he didn’t score, but in my defence we were two up at this point. I just feel he needs to keep his feet on the ground that’s all. But seriously, he did have a brilliant game, providing intricate passages of play and linking up nicely with the surrounding team members. 

The first quarter went quickly, George scoring his first of the night with a nice move resulting in a flick towards goal, hitting the side netting and boosting the high morale we already had. Aside from the goal, a key moment was Lily intercepting a wayward BlueHert’s pass and breaking away, producing some lovely skills to beat her marker, and was unlucky not to score.

Second quarter and the squad was getting tired, that sun had mostly set, so whilst no one was getting a lovely tan on, everyone was feeling the heat. George topped his first goal with an outstanding strike, an unstoppable bullet produced after skilfully eliminating two defenders. Afterwards, on the bench, he allegedly claimed ‘He can’t be bothered’ so I’d like to see what that means for the team when he does decide to try. Maybe we’ll get 6 next week. And Lilly was also outed for not tracking back, maybe her head was hurting from the heat, or from the copious number of what I believe are called bobby pins she had drilling into her skull. Either way the conductor wasn’t impressed.

Then out of nowhere, the nimble lad up top produced a rocket of a strike to best Coley in goal, seriously special. I’d like to make it very clear this was impossible to save, and we should all take note that coley had a 100% pass completion this game. 

 Halftime now, and out came the tangfastics. I’ll be honest I don’t know who brought them, but I know it wasn’t Issy who unfortunately decided against Percy pigs this week - a genuine lapse in judgement on her part. Coley spoke some magic words of wisdom, having little to do that first half, so making some lovely observations for us to ponder.

Clearly we didn’t think hard enough, because the opposition scored again in the third quarter. Once again Harpenden has thrown away a two goal lead against Wrinkled and Reckless and needed a hero to save us once more. Fraser had seen enough of Gibbo getting turned inside out and decided to put the man out his misery, stepping in to deal with the danger man. Instant impact. FT tackled him, careered down the pitch and drew out a tackle derived from frustration. Vijay came in and had a word, who was of course doing an exceptional job in umpiring, making sure everyone was having fun and staying safe. We love you Vijay!

Harpenden had began to slip into old habits of miracle balls (good to see the Coley influence remained) however Anish actually sent me a dime, but I was too hot to go get it so sorry about that as it made him look bad. 

Final quarter now, and Harpenden were up for it, bringing the game to the opposition instantly, with Henry and Jonny implementing incredible skill to pose attacking threat, but no one could put that ball in the net. And then the general stepped up. That man wanted it more than anyone, Mobbsie recalls him on the bench gassing himself up before this, so clearly he was in the right mindset for this. Another strike of genuine menace and class, put Harpenden 3-2 up, and all we had to do was close this game out.

Obviously with Amelie Murat at the back that would be no issue, pocketing their left winger and drawing out a Harpenden free hit. Jonny took this and played a nice simple ball back to Gibbo. Which was intercepted and now Rory (other team) was through on goal, one on one with Coley. Hearts sank, as this lad was clinical, and poor Coley was only a novice in the goalkeeping game. But out he came, big and strong, closing down that angle and preventing them from drawing level!

Another Harpenden attack followed, Evie producing some reverse stick 3-D skills to breach the defence, before giving the ball to me, which I then lost. And then finally, last attack of the game through came Lilly Holford from left back, leaving multiple defenders for dust, and she was obviously then going to carry on and hit one top bins, but the ref blew the whistle. And although I’m forbidden from praising this, I still will take my chances and say it was a great move.

So that was it, another resounding victory for the Harpenden mixed team, who were already making their way to the pub to get some beverages down us.

After the game, George was upset after being called Ginger despite his blinding red hair, and Henry got in the way of Evie attempting to do some stalking on some people playing football below. Evie said his head was too big. Anish also gave advice to me and Lilly about how to best cheat on coursework using Ai, whilst also losing his stick (see it’s really quite easy to do) momentarily, having to check with his father where it was. We discovered Coley got 4 A’s at a-level, Jonny didn’t quite reach the same feat, and Henry, an engineer, took maths, further maths and physics, which really I should’ve seen coming. Once again members of the team who will remain unnamed hated on my core maths qualification, however this time I was backed by Anish, who also took the extensive course. The fact I took A level music caused a lot of laughter at my expense, this paired with the abuse from the fact that I’m not allowed to be supportive anymore. Finally, before the game, Coley gave me the job of taking home the ball bag, and ensuring that we had all 14 balls. Lucky for him I found an extra, so I can safely say that all 15 balls are all accounted for and left in BlueHert’s club house, not in my custody. That’s on me.

Finally, good luck to Amelie with her Biology exam tomorrow, we know you’ll smash it, and one final note that on the 18th of July we are all obliged to say happy birthday to Lilly and I’d also advise you all to stay off the roads that day. But until then let’s focus on Monday, for another mixed game which features the return of the mighty Krishnan.