Mens 1 vs Upminster 1

Dear readers, I’m in need of assistance. My team of fact checkers have resigned en-masse to go back and work for Donald Trump’s presidential campaign. Apparently it’s better pay for less work - there’s just far too many facts that need corroborating in one of my match reports. 

That being said this week we faced Upminster, who ‘we’ as a team lost 3-5 when we hosted them in the first half of the season. If I recall correctly it was 3-0 to us when I was on the pitch during that game, a factually correct fact I should probably make team management aware of. 

Speaking of team management I forgot to mention in last week’s write up how Nick Kimberley forgot his shoes. Fortunately it was a home game, and I now understand why we meet an hour before push back as it gives the opportunity for players to pop back home for dirgotten essential items. This week he remembered both the left and right shoe - a double result!

B-team’s main contribution of the day was also in the podiatry department - spotting Jason’s error in putting a left sock onto his right foot… it is debatable as to whether it was worth interrupting the team talk for such a tragic error though.

We started the game hopeful - and an eventful first 10 minutes ensued. Russell Timms committing a lovely professional tackle and picked up only a green card for breaking down play. Shortly followed by James Singer being rugby tackled off the pitch, no card shown for that one though.

Rob Walker was being being his ever energetic self - after running 412km in January he’s continuing as the teams Duracell bunny. 

Dave picks the ball up at the half way, skins at least five of the oppo, makes his way into the D and shells the ball just wide, certainly deserving of a goal.

Andy “Colin McCrae” King was called upon occasionally and he stood tall making a number of fine saves.

Upminster really didn’t offer much other than having a couple of fast attackers. We weren’t particularly stretched and we were earning short corners. Alas none proved fruitful.

Half time: Upminster 0 - 0 Harps 

The second half was a similarly frustrating and at times tasty affair. We had plenty of pressure, mountains of short corners. Walker was searching for the sonic boom but it was more Wright brothers propeller bi-plane than Concorde. B-team was supplied on a plate but couldn’t quite flick it over the logged keeper.

I got a bit lost, found myself in the D and actually had a backhand saved by the keeper. This attacking lark is quite fun (wink wink Nick Kimberley - are you sure you want me at left back?).

From a lucky through ball Upminster had a shin-high shot going well wide. An attacker with his stick around his nipples managed to “score” a goal.

Upminster Football Club 1 - 0 Harpenden Hockey Club

In the car on the way home: “Durbs did you do anything noteworthy on the pitch today?” 

“I doubt it”

“What about you Tom?”

“No. But the fiancé of Claire in the W1s messed up my wine collection”

We rallied hard, tried our best to find the goal, but alas no reward. 7 shorties and our scoresheet is a bagel.

Oh well we didn’t want promotion anyway!!

Full Time: Upminster 1-0 Harps.

MoM Andy King: the oppo simply couldn’t find their way passed out rock in goal using their sticks.

By the way does anyone know how Harpenden Women’s teams are faring this year? I’d love to read an update. Maybe they’ve had similar issues with octopi falling off the back of peregrine falcons?

Personal highlight: Dave and I popped to Waitrose for a can of red bull before the game, I got ID’d for potentially not being 16. The lovely lady on the till couldn’t believe I’m 39 next month.

Under 8s event of the week: “Ok we’ve got six players and the opposition only have five. I’m going to need one of you to help me coach (which I guess makes you Assistant to the Assistant Coach’s Assistant) and then you can sub on after a couple of minutes. Who’d like to help coach?” 

Up shoot 6 little hands, now I’m going to be disappointing 5 of them as opposed to just 1… 

One minute in “can I be coach now?”, “no me!”…