Mens 1 vs Havering 1

It was panic stations this morning. Andy King announced a sickness at home and couldn’t play. Cue the full squad searching for a replacement keeper with none available in the club. Acquaintances as far away as Cambridge were asked to assist, even the Ladies section were asked but thankfully it turned out to be just a call for attention as Andy needed to feel wanted, included and loved. The hero he is decided he could indeed play after two hours of fruitless searching. He’s also fine for the O40s fixture tomorrow.

George picked me up on time this week, I checked his rucksack for shinpads and all good, we were on our way to Essex. 

Lots of late arrivals: Jason stepped in thanks to the Goalkeeper shortage saga, and was willing to keep for us. Rob offered to step in too, having played in goal before and only ever conceded against one player - Sam Ward no less. (Do you smell something?). Skills offered, as did Russ. I thought about offering to keep but realised my immense talents were needed outfield.

The game started and two things were immediately obvious. 1: we’re awesome and a level above. 2: they’re far more interested in acting like Mr Angry from my daugheter’s Mr Men books than actually trying to win a hockey match. Havering were instantly shouting and screaming at their own Umpires.

Our class showed pretty early on from our first shorty: Nick Chouksey from the top finding Tom Bunbury for a deflection passed the keeper. “Really slick goal” in the words of George, who’s driving me home as I type.

Havering 0 - 1 Harpenden

More shouting from Havering, one particular claim of their hobbit-resembling right back was “they’re appealing”… he didn’t quite understand that this was an appeal in itself. He could read numbers though as he let the umpire know which of our players were on the pitch pitch by listing the numbers on our backs.

It didn’t take long for your superb Harpenden 1s to double our lead, and justly so. A beautiful flowing move down the left, we think maybe involving Mark “B-team” Hoefield, finding Chouksey for a smartly taken slap finish.

Havering 0 - 2 Harpenden

Havering collected some cards, directly telling the umpire to “f**** off” is not a good recipe for staying on the pitch, but he was clearly blowing from all of our dominance and fluidity, and ungracefully took a five minute break.

The message at half time was score next. No mention of the press.

Being 2-0 down Havering appeared like they wanted to play in the second half, and actually demonstrated some skills and control that were just not evident before half time. We were under a bit of pressure and there was basically a stalemate for much of the period. 

I’d spent all game from left back passing to either Bunbers or Nick Kimberley. Which is fine but not the most exciting of things to do. From a dead sideline ball I figured ooh shall I chuck on aerial? I opted not for a reverse stick one as if it went wrong then I’d probably get in a lot of trouble with my centrebacks. I had in mind England Fly-Half Owen Farrell’s spiral bomb he puts up and makes it hard to defend, so in a perfect replica two Havering defenders failed to field the super hot wonder-aerial. It found “B-team”, he passed to Jason who finished it off well.

Havering 0 - 3 Harpenden.

Havering’s constant badgering of the umpires seemed to pay dividends for them as some innnocuous challenges led to cards for Russ (when he wasn’t wearing his woolly hat), Singer (who ended up having a 7minute green card) and Rees (for standing up for his teammates).

In the last couple of minutes Havering had some opportunities. Andy King made a fine stick save off a shorty, but stood no chance when Havering bungled the ball into the D, and got the ball in the goal from a combination of a foot, a backstick, a 3rd party infringement, the Rhinoceros from Whipsnade, a harmonica and a Citroen 2CV.

A fully deserved win for the team in white.

Full time: Havering 1 - 3 Harpenden.

MoM: Rob Walker had a fine day at right back. His fitness regime over Xmas certainly paying dividends. Still don’t stay as a wingback please, you did well filling in but we have enough defenders.

Champagne Moment - my aerial, of course