They're a talented, erudite, handsome bunch - that much is a given. But who are the HHC IIs? Find out here in our....

Player Profiles

Name: Fraser Tant (captain)
Nicknames: FT, Tank, Tart
Position: Centre Forward

Second eleven supremo Fraser Tant is also the club's resident frustrated journo. Sparkling prose announce every match report as he plugs away hoping for his big break with the Advertiser. Plucked from first team obscurity a couple of years ago to lead the seconds, his pre-match and half-time Churchillian bombast has inspired his charges to become one of the most feared teams in Div 3SW, as they pledge "110 percent" to their captain, even when "there's a mountain to climb". Tant's idiosyncratic lifestyle (he lives in Muswell Hill, near the former home of childhood hero Denis Neilson, and travelled to games for years in what could only be described as a purple Audi saloon) is mirrored in his hockey. Originally a pacey right winger who forbore crossing, he has reinvented himself as a low-scoring centre forward. His work rate is legendary, never giving less than 120 percent, a man for whom no cause is ever lost.

Name: Neil Liles (Vice-captain)
Nicknames: Pilesy, Jabber, Big Neil
Position: Sweeper

Pilesy, inseparable from his partner in crime Dave Munton, has become a bastion of HHC since his arrival in the mid-1990s. Currently the appropriately-titled vice-captain of the 2s, Neil is renowned for his uncompromising attitude to defending and his excessively enthusiastic interest in sewers. Appears to defy the normal ageing process and, happily for HHC, plans to lumber on and on despite, approaching bus pass age. Claims to have scored a goal once (1973, unverified).

Name: Pete Kneale
Nicknames: PK, Pierre, Jeane
Position: Left Half

Cerebral, smooth second-teamer Pete Kneale has devoted much of his life to the club, travelling vast distances to matches from his west London hideaway. All that is about to change as he seeks to put the finishing touches to the acquisition of a property in the "Golden Triangle" that is North Harpenden, home to, amongst others, the Prince and Pilesy. After an outstanding academic career at one of the world's leading universities, suave, cultured PK was lured back to HHC by the prospect of lively debate with, amongst others, Munts and former legend Wadey. He scaled the heights of first team hockey before fatherhood blunted his fiery, aggressive game and has settled in the seconds, from where he displays the silken skills that have lured unsuspecting right-halves into many mistimed lunges over the years. Blessed with telescopic reach, a flat reverse tackle to die for and a Homer Simpson arse, sophisticated, unflappable PK's defensive worth to any side is immeasurable. Add an ability to drift into goalscoring positions and sweet skills, and his reputation as Div 3SW's leading left half is assured.

Name: David Munton
Nicknames: Munts, Keown
Position: Centre Back

Dave has played for Harpenden with distinction since 1986 and in recent years his game has reached new heights as his partnership with the equally imposing Neil Liles has blossomed. They might have demolished Wembley, but HHC's Twin Towers continue to frustrate (and occasionally injure) opposition centre-forwards week-in, week-out. Dave gets his kicks from belting the ball as hard and far as humanly possible and has been known to go into season-long sulks if dropped as short-corner striker (see also Ben Thompson).

Name: Ben Brind
Nicknames: Brindy, Ginger Minger
Position: Goalkeeper

Agile, quick-reflexed, nimble, brave, aggressive, peerless, commanding, consistent. self-deprecating.... these are all words Ben Brind has used to describe his goalkeeping. The team, on the other hand, would perhaps use other terms. Ginger: certainly. Loud, opinionated and annoying: probably. Owns a bloody great bus: unquestionably. But in fairness to the ginger, loud, annoying, opinionated, bloody-great bus-driving stopper, there would also be a begrudging respect for Brindy, whose keeping has been excellent since he joined the side for the 2002/3 season, who is always available and never anything other than 100% committed to HHC. Tactically and technically there are few better keepers in the league and the club is lucky to have a keeper who can step in for the 1s seamlessly or indeed up front for the 3s and 4s. Long may he reign.

Name: Ben Turner
Nicknames: Mustard, The Colonel
Position: Midfield

If awards were being given out for enthusiasm, Ben Turner would have had it wrapped up long ago. In fact, he would already have single-handedly organised an awards dinner, sold all the tickets, got corporate sponsorship, lined up a guest speaker, written the speech, ordered an autocue, bought the trophy, engraved the trophy, polished the trophy, sent out press releases, been interviewed on GMTV and Richard and Judy.... and still found time to be a pivotal player in the HHCIIs midfield. Mustard is the second team's engine room, covering acres between the Ds, intercepting passes with go go gadget arms, distributing with great vision and never short of a word to say to the umpires, opposition, team mates, captain, spectators and just bout anyone who doesn't know better than to not actually listen. He joined th club at the start of the 2002/3 season and is already Club Secretary and a much valued part of the furniture. (Which he no doubt personally whittled from a tree he himself felled, polishes daily etc....)

Name: Niall McAlister
Nicknames: QC, Mr McAlister, VIP
Position: Roaming

There's only one thing in top flight international hockey more likely to snap than the McAlister temper.... and that's the McAlister hamstring. However, when fit, the QC is the midfield brains of Harpenden 2s, boasting an 'extra yard up there' (point to temple) coupled with a keen eye for goal. Never short of an ascerbic comment, usually at the expense of his skipper, Harpenden's leading property lawyer is always guaranteed a place in the starting XI, if only because anyone dropping the Veteran Irish Poacher is likely to have a civil law suit arrive on their doorstep the following morning.

Name: Ben Thompson
Nicknames: Thumper
Position: Forward

Name: Dave Waters
Nicknames, Muddy, Crystal, Mr Waters, Bogey
Position: Right Back

Name: Niall Blackwell
Nickname: Crossin' Blackwell, Blacky
Position: Right Half

Crossin' Blackwell is a constant thorn in the side both of the second team's opponents, who are regularly bamboozled by his stick skill and left stranded by his pace, and his captain, who simply cannot grasp how Niall is pronounced Nee-ull and not Nye-ull. In fact, joining a team that already boasts a Neil, a Niall and a Kneale was always going to be problematic, but Blacky provides the width and the midfield engine the team so needed. Needs to back up his creativity with a couple of goals and he'll be knocking on the first team door.

Name: Tom Vickerton
Nickname: The Vicker of Dribbly
Position: Left Midfield

HELP! Can't think of a lookalike

Name: Dave Francis
Nickname: Davey F
Position: Left Back

Davey F is nearly as keen as mustard as Mustard. He's yet to miss a training session (so we're told, none of the 2s are ever there to confirm this in person) and never wears anything more than a t-shirt and shorts no matter how cold it is. Left back is surely the worse position in the pitch, but Davey F doesn't grumble and gets on with it, and has been pretty much ever present over the last two seasons. Rumour has it he is leaving the area to become a property developer in Brighton - are very own version of that bird with the big hooters on Property Ladder.

Name: Andy Lunn
Nickname: Lunny
Position: Mr Versatile